You’ve heard the story about the wolf in sheep’s clothing… but have you heard the one about the lion-haired adult-contemporary balladeer in wolf’s clothing?
Well, that’s the story that unfolded on The Masked Singer‘s DC Superheroes Night Wednesday, when the Wolf was revealed to be none other than two-time Grammy-winner Michael Bolton.
In recent years, this “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” crooner has attracted a whole new television audience, be it by co-hosting Celebrity Dating Gamerepresenting Connecticut in NBC’s American Song Contestcompeting on Dancing With The Starsor, most notably, wearing another fantasy-figure costume (as well as Erin Brockovich drag!) in the Lonely Island’s SNL Digital Short “Jack Sparrow.” In fact, Bolton once told Yahoo Entertainment that the latter viral, career-boosting appearance was one of his “most enjoyable, greatest experiences” and “one of the best things I ever did.”
I suppose dressing up as a sparrow, or a pirate, would have been too obvious for Bolton this week. And it remains to be seen how high donning furry lupine finery on The Masked Singer will rank on his list of professional highlights. But he did seem to have a howlingly good time sinking his teeth into his husky performance of the Doors’ “Break on Through” — which had the judging panel’s two musical experts, fellow pop singers Robin Thicke and Nicole Scherzinger, immediately recognizing his “velvety ,” “sexy,” “iconic,” and “one-of-a-kind” vocals. (Side note: I would have preferred the Wolf doing Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf,” X’s “Hungry Wolf,” Shakira’s “She Wolf,” or even TV on the Radio’s “Wolf Like Me,” but hey, that’s just me .)
“I could get used to being the Wolf,” Bolton admitted.
“It’s always an honor to hear you sing,” Nicole gushed after Michael’s unmasking. “No one does it like you do, and you do it still so gracefully and effortlessly.”
As for the two other Group B contestants who performed on DC Superheroes Night, we learned that not all heroes wear capes, but some of them do wear Gargoyle and Squirrel cosplay. It was pretty close between these two — the latter doing Charlie Puth’s “One Call Away” and the other doing Pink’s “Try,” followed by a Battle Royale of 3 Doors Down’s “Kryptonite” — so when the Squirrel eventually edged out the competition, The judges decided to use their “Ding Dong Keep It on Bell” to save the Gargoyle from elimination.
The judges ghad already used the bell last week to rescue the Medusa (who is probably Bishop Briggs, possibly Fergie), which means they can only use it one more time this season — so I think this decision may have been premature. But what’s done is done, and now the Gargoyle will have a chance to fight his way back into the competition against the Medusa (and a third saved-by-the Ding-Dong-Bell contestant) later in Season 9.
The judges seemed convinced that the Gargoyle was an LA athlete like Antonio Gates or Odell Beckham Jr. — except for chronic wrong-guesser Ken Jeong, who thought it was “record-maker” the Weeknd. (Yes, the Gargoyle’s high-pitched voice Did sound a bit like that of Abel Tesfaye, who has set multiple Spotify and chart records, and yes, there was a mention of “blinding lights”… but I think Abel is way too busy touring the globe and trying to quash bad press for The Idol to do The Masked Singer.) I’m a bit baffled by the Gargoyle myself. But as far as the squirrel goes, to quote Ken, I know exactly who this isand I actually mean it: It’s actress and self-described “girl-next-door who’s also funny” and “bombshell,” Malin Akerman.
A few quick Google and Wikipedia searches made all the squirrel clues line up. The rocker rodent said she was once a child figure skater, and here’s a 1987 #TBT of a Lycra-leotarded, rinkside mini-Malin. Like the Squirrel, Malin once wanted to be a child psychologist. The Squirrel also mentioned “modeling for a major agency” and starring in a “teen acne commercial,” and Malin was discovered at age 16 by Ford Models, which led to a contract with Noxzema. Visual clues like a yellow happy-face button, castle, and gorilla respectively pointed to Malin’s work in happythankyoumoreplease, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castleand love monkeywhile another clue, “hero time,” was a clear reference to her role in the superhero flick The Watchmen, A plate of Swedish meatballs was a nod to Malin’s birthplace, Stockholm. And finally, the Squirrel confessed that she once “made out with Tom Cruise,” which Malin’s nerdy journalist character Constance Sack got to do with Cruise’s hair-metal heartthrob Stacee Jaxx in rock of ages,
And if all that isn’t enough to convince you, Malin can actually sing — she used to front alt-rock band the Petalstones — and her Pink performance definitely had a rocker-chick vibe.
So, can the Squirrel rock her way through the next two weeks and make it to the semifinals against Group A’s reigning quintet champ, the California Roll (which is probably Pentatonix)? We will soon find out… but all I know is, next Wednesday is Sesame Street Night, so the Squirrel or one of next week’s two new Group B celebrities. better be covering Oscar the Grouch’s “I Love Trash” or Cookie Monster’s “Cookie Disco.” See you then.
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